Tyl'eяя`. "I've Been Reckless, But I'm Not A Rebel Without A Cause."

Well... It's been quite some time since I wrote a blog on here. This is my main blogger haha... because no one will read it most likely. So it's nice to get all my feelings out... and I find in times this really helps. So I just watched a movie... Legal to Wed. It made me think of everything... yet again. Why can't I just be happy? I'm still in regret from what happened... it's kinda sad. For those of you who don't know, because I'm sure so many people will read this aha. I met a girl named Sawyer from Bowden. We dated about 5 months, give or take, and it ended pretty close to the sixth month. I wasn't planning on this whole blog entry to be about this, but we'll see where it takes us. Basically, we met, and it was awesome. I mean... it reminds me of one of my friends and her first boyfriend sort of. 'Cept they dated a year. I don't know why it reminds me of that... it's sorta weird. I'm sure she'll know it's her when she reads this. For a long distance relationship, we saw each other a lot. My parents loved her, and her mom was somewhat fond of me. (I think). But... I fucked it up. As you may have read in previous blog entries... I vowed never to love again. Well when I wrote those I literally didn't know what love was... I thought that was love... pff. What I lost recently was love. And I suppose ya'll want to wonder why it ended. I was an ass hole... and I know it. I mean I was there and I cared and loved as much as I had... but it was just the little things... which mean the most in the long run. If it meant staying 5 extra minutes, I wouldn't. I partially blame work, but whatever. Now... it seems like I'd give anything to have all those 5 minutes back. I'm pretty sure she hates me though... wouldn't doubt it. I really fucked up... and I'm still in denial over it. Maybe it's because there wasn't really much closer... she's over it though. So I guess that part is good on her behalf. I tried to be there... but little things like that screwed me over... and she gave me lots of chances. It really sucks though, because after I realized it, it was too late. "You don't know what you had until it's gone", that is so true. "You are better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all", that to me is bullshit. I'm miserable... and if I never would have loved yeah I'd still be lonely... but at least I wouldn't have all this guilt hanging off my shoulders... It just seems like life keeps fucking me over. I really need to get over this, because a new girl has come into my life named Amanda. She's quite something. But her parents are very strict... so she has to break them in slowly if we date... I actually don't know if we are dating or not right now. We kissed the other night, but I don't know if we are exclusive yet?! I'm confused. And I don't know if I'm ready... because I get these odd out-breaks of emotions from past references. I just want it all to get better. That's it. I want a time machine. I want to go back to the way things were. If only it were that easy eh? It's all so fucked up. I want to have someone to call mine again, I want to have the definite thought of marriage in my head, I want to have someone to love and hold late at night, I want to have someone to kiss when I wake up in the morning, I want to have someone to sleep next to me again. I just want it all back. I want to have the reassurance of having kids. I want to have the reassurance of being loved. It just feels like my heart is still shattered... I thought it was getting better. And it was, but now it's reverted back to step one. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to escape. But why should I have the broken heart? She didn't hurt me... well she did. But she gave me enough chances to change, and I fucked up. I ruined my life... and that's the truth. Life goes so much faster than you think. I would have rather had bad times with her than good times with somebody else. Those were the happiest 5 months of my life. And now it's all flushed down the drain. I just have so many mixed feelings... and so many hurt feelings... and so much left to wonder. I guess that's just the way love works. Like... I'll never be able to trust someone as much as I trusted her... hahaha it was all a lie now that I think about it. Promised never to leave me? And now you could give a fuck right? Yeah that's what I thought.  There was no redemption. This isn't even normal, because usually guys aren't so attached. It's just fucking hard when deep down in your heart you know, are absolutely positive believe, you are meant for one another. I just know it. And now it's all gone. Even though I've met someone new... I haven't been able to shake the thoughts of you. I don't know if I'll ever get over it. Like... what happens down the road? What do I do? Where do I go? Who do I hold? It's just all so mixed up. I believe there is someone for everyone - I see it everyday. I had it. I had my soul mate... in my arms to hold at night and smile at in the morning. But I didn't give the time to stay longer. That was it. Just those god damn stupid things. Blah. Why. How. Could it have worked if we wanted it to? Fucking right it could have. I guess it's too late now. ON OTHER NOTE: I have officially ordered an iPhone as of yesterday. I am quite excited. And, we also bought a new place in Penticton, B.C. It's super nice, I love it. I'll be sure to post some pictures. But in case anyone's wondering... I work at Tim Horton’s now. I actually enjoy it; I've been there for about 5-6 months. Pretty much I started the day I started dating Sawyer. You know what was dumb? Getting a 3 year contract, on her behalf. I'm not the one who did the breaking up... I thought we could have worked it out... couples counciling or something. Whatever. But if she knew in her head we wouldn't last why wouldn't she say something or not get the phone contracts... that kind of pisses me off. Like... I wanted to have a family with her. I did. I wanted to meet all of her family from Scotland. I wanted to protect her. Good luck finding someone who could love her more than I did, because it's not even possible. But who knows? Maybe it's not over forever... but then again she's in love with someone new. Already... like a week after we broke up. I personally think she liked him right when he moved to Bowden. But I don't hold resentment against him... nothing I could do about it anyways. The thought of her with him shatters me. But I've learnt to accept it... despite the few things that come with it. It wasn't the real me during the bad times. IF I had another chance now, boy she'd be impressed. It seemed like it was always my fault, and in the end she never cared about shattering my heart. So it's like if we ever got back together I'd be so scared of getting hurt again... and if I were to move on I'd still have the what ifs.. So I really don't know what to do. Ever since she's left I've been miserable... ask anyone... Well, I should probably go to bed... I'm going to work at 5 in the morning tomorrow. Hopefully it'll help to take my mind off of things. Thanks for listening to my rambling, next drama outburst I'll be sure to write on my blog. It's nice, getting this all out. Hopefully not the whole world reads it.
Sincerely,
Tyler Manchur.
P.S. One day, I know you're going to regret this. You just wait.

1. Full Name: Tyler Grant Manchur.
2. Nicknames: Manchur, Hollywood. Haha.
3. Birthday: April 8^th, 1992.
4. Place of Birth: Olds.

5. Zodiac Sign: Aries.
6. Male or Female: Male.
7. Grade: 9.
8. School: High School.
9. Occupation: Lol, Car Wash. It’s Awesome. I Love It.
10. Residence: Alberta.

11. Online Alias: Tyl’err’.

__Your Appearance__
12. Hair Color: Blonde & Brown.
13. Hair Length: Medium.
14. Eye color: Brown.
15. Best Feature: Nothing, Lol.
16. Height: 6 Feet.
17. Braces?: Yeah.
18. Glasses?: Nope.
19. Piercings: Nope.
20. Tattoos: Nope.
21. Righty or Lefty: Righty.

___Your 'Firsts'___
22. First best friend: Umm… Probably Karly Tarney.
23. First Award: Don’t Remember.
24. First Sport You Joined: Skating, Soccer, Or Swimming. Don’t Remember.
25. First pet: Sambow, My First Cat.
26. First Vacation: Outside Of Canada, Las Vegas.
27. First Concert: Um, Don’t Remember. I’ll Say Warped Tour 05.
28. First True Love: Mirielle.

___ Favorites___
29. Movie: Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2.
30. TV Show: The OC, One Tree Hill, Supernatural, Deal Or No Deal, Lost.
31. Colors: Blue & Orange.
32. Rapper: Lol, Probably 50 Cent.
33. Band: The Fray, Or Taking Back Sunday.
34. Song Right Now: Moltov – Dead Poetic.
35. Friend: Chelsea.
36. Candy: Not Much Of A Candy Eater.
37. Sport to Play: Basketball.

38. Restaurant: Montana’s. Or Something Classy.
39. Favorite brand to wear: Diesel, Volcom, Etc.
40. Drink: Lots.
41. School Subject: Language Arts.
42. Animal: Dog & Horse.
43. Book: Stones – William Bell.
44. Magazine: Something On Current Celebrity Events.

45. Shoes: Diesel. Or DC.

___Currently___
46. Feeling: Umm.. Happy.
47. Single or Taken?: Single.
48. Have a crush: No.
49. Eating: Beef Jerky.
50. Drinking: Slushie.
51. Typing: This.
52. Online?: Well Yeah.
53. Listening To: Big Star – Kenny Chesney.
54. Thinking About: Nothing Really.
55. Wanting To: Go To Calgary.
56. Watching: Nothing.
57. Wearing: Jeans And A Long Tee.

__________Future__________
58. Want Kids?: Boy & A Girl.
59. Want to be Married?: Yeah.
61. Where do you want to live: Calgary. Or BC. Or California.
62. Car: Luxury.

__Which is Better With The Opposite Sex___
63. Hair color: Blonde.
64. Hair length: ..Normal.
65. Eye color: Blues Cute, But It Doesn’t Matter.
66. Measurements: ..
67. Cute or Sexy: Both.
68. Lips or Eyes: Um, Both.
69. Hugs or Kisses: Both. Hehe.
70. Short or Tall: Well.. Shorter Than Me.
71. Easygoing or serious: Both.
72. Romantic or Spontaneous: Both. Romantic Most Though.
73. Fatty or Skinny: Well.. Doesn’t Matter. But Skinny I Guess.
74. Sensitive or Loud: Both. When Applicable.
75. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationship.
76. Sweet or Caring: Sweet & Caring.
77. Trouble Maker or Hesitant One: Both.

___Have you ever______
78. Kissed a Stranger: No.
79. Had Alcohol: Yes.
80. Smoked: Yes.
81. Ran Away From Home: Not Quite.
82. Broken a bone: Oh Yes.
83. Got an X-ray: Yeah.
84. Been with someone: Yeah.
85. Broken Someones Heart: I Don’t Know.
86. Broke Up With Someone: Yes.
87. Cried When Someone Died: Yes.
88. Cried At School: Not That I Remember.

___Do You Believe In___
89. God: Yes.
90. Miracles: Sometimes.
91. Love At First sight: No. Lust At Most.
92. Ghosts: Starting To.
93. Aliens: Meh, Medium.
94. Soul Mates: Once The Love Develops, Then Yes.
95. Heaven: Yes.
96. Hell: Yes.
97. Angels: Sorta.
98. Kissing on The First Date: Why Not?
99. Horoscopes: Being As How They’ve Been True Lately, Yes.

___Answer Truthfully___
100. Is There Someone You Want But You Know You Can't have?: I Don’t Want Anyone. Ever.

Wow. This has been quite the time since I've updated my space here. Guess I've just been too busy lately. But what can ya do?? Well... where do I even begin? I suppose... I'll start with the small things and maybe it will escalate into the things that are on my mind 24/7. First of all, our new fifth wheel had a leak. In all 3 of the slide outs. So we took that in... And on Friday we are going to pick it up. I'm just worried about the wood rotting down the road... that's pretty shitty when you think about it - our old fifth wheel never leaked. But, whatever. It's under warranty. Well... there's some exciting news for me. I finally have my learners. It only took 3 tries to get it. I'm happy, I failed twice only... lol. I guess once is too many... but oh well. And tonight, I just got my official license in the mail. So I'm happy about that. You know something? I really miss my iPod. Like... I would walk to Toronto right now to get an iPod. That's how much I miss it. I know a lot of you will hate me for this, but I have downloaded "She’s My Kind Of Rain" by Tim McGraw truetone on my phone. I love it. A lot. So stfu. Woot. I am sure excited. Approximately 2 month’s time. And I will be in Mexico. I wonder if you have to go to the tanning salon a week before you fly?? I heard ya do. And another item on the bright side, we got a Bo Flex. Wootie. So now I can finally have a program so I won't be a flat slob - haha. I've gotten really involved into country music lately... I guess now... in this exact state of mind... I'm looking for more meaningful things out of life. Not like before... This time it's different. I really don't know how to explain it... it's like I'm trying to change my preceptions around. And I kinda like it. On other notes, turns out, the camera that Chelsea broke... she didn't actually break it. So for two... or maybe even three months, she's had it. This really pisses me off. But I don't wanna get into it right now. But I think what I'm anticipating to get at in this blog is... well... my feelings. About everything. And I'm sure you all want to hear about it. Well... I'm just gonna let it all out. Word for word of what's on my mind. To put it bluntly honest, I fucked up. Big time. Again. But this time, was biggest. You know how you always say things you regret when you're mad? Well I kinda took it too far. I never said anything hurtful, so don't think that. I told a secret. Or a couple secrets. Ya know something? I don't remember. But I shouldn't have done it. And I am such a stupid fuck up. Wow Tyler, wow. The funny thing was, it was all sort of finally going half decent... But... I guess that's life. You can't change it. But I wish I could sometimes... But... I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to let anyone in now. Ever again. Well... I shouldn't say ever. I don't not wanna date... I'm just horrified of getting hurt. Maybe... just maybe... when I'm out of Olds... I just might. But... you can't blame her for moving on. I've just gotta get over it. That's all there is to it. But you gotta realize, I loved her. A lot. More than anything in my life. The one thing I was sure about, out of anything I've ever been sure of, this has been the strongest. But, I'm happy for her. I really am. And... I'm kinda down about a friendship I have with this one girl. She knows who she is. Let's just say... it's not really the best idea of a friendship. Hell, I don't even think she wants to have any contact with me anymore. But if you're reading this... know I am sorry. For everything I've done to hurt you... I never meant for it to turn out this way. So if you don't want to have any contact, I understand. Just know that I am sorry. I think that about sums up this emotional blurb. I'll try to make an effort to keep ya'll updated on my interesting life. Oh, and for the record. I am not spoiled. I work for everything I have. Just thought you readers should know that. Well, thanks for wasting your life reading this, Lol...
Cheers.

Well, Where to start. I’ve just been recently introduced to "blogging". I just made this...not even two hours ago. But I'll try my hardest to get the hang of it. Today was quite exciting... we went to the big city of Red Deer. The traffic was retarded, I'll tell you that. We got there and went to Costco, to buy two things. Which meant we had to wait in line for 20 minutes for two items. Oh my god. Then, I saw Mrs. Johnson, my principal in Elementary School. That kinda freaked me out a little. I think she was abusive to her husband, because he seemed very nervous and frigid. Haha. Then, we went to see click. At 1 'o clock. I went to see it here before, with Chelsea. So as you can guess, we never stayed very long. That was the saddest movie I have ever seen. Good thing the ending was a bit happier. But after that experience, we went to Montana's. It was really good. And wow. Someone just called me. Right now, asking for Kaylan. Like who the hell is Kaylan? And who calls when I'm in the middle of writing my first blog? Honestly...wow...just wow. They could have at least asked for me, not Kaylan. But all in all, this has been a summer quite like no other... Wow…that just set in. This summer was the most eventful I think I've had. I've loved, and lost. And I thought I would never love again. Never. But then I did. And I tell ya, it was great. Haha, what a nerd I am. But yes, you can imagine how it ended. But to your surprise, we're still friends. So you can be jealous of that. Wow, the day we were going to Radium in our new fifth wheel I didn't wanna go. I wanted to go hang out with the girl I had a crush on then. She knows who she is. But we went. My parents should have listened to my advice... because when we got there we had a little incident. The fifth wheel fell on our truck when we were offloading it, Lol. So yes..laugh. I was. The engate wouldn't open. So there we were - stuck in the campsite with a wrecked truck. We ended up just flooring it to brake the engate off..and ya. Wow. I'm just happy my fingers weren't on the box of the truck, or else I wouldn't be typing this right now haha. But this summer was quite.. it was a stepping stone overall. I overcame my first true love, which was kinda hard. Vowed never to let in again, but I broke that oath ha-ha. And as you can guess, lost my second love. And eventually overcame that. And just..wow. So many memories, in one blog entry nevertheless. But now... I'm not gonna date. At least until I'm out of Olds. Which might be soon, if all plans work out. It's just too much damn unnecessary pain.  If any of you can relate where I'm coming from that is... And what do I have to offer? Exacly, haha. Well now I can see what the big rants and raves are about blogging. To get out everything, I kinda like this. Wow, the train just blew it's horn - I thought they weren't supposed to do that in town? Oh well. What can ya do? But in 4 months time I'll be in Cancun Mexico. I'm really excited. I haven't been to Mexico for a few years now. Last time I went to Pto. Vallarta, and it was really fun. I'll post some pictures of the resort we're staying at. It looks soooo awesome. But you know what sucks? I'm probably not gonna be able to bring my cell phone. Cause my uncle brought his and made 3 calls and it was 144 dollars. And he had to tell my dad. So instantly the reject of any cellular device came to mind, except his of course. And you know what else makes me mad? I'm not allowed to bring my laptop. Unless I just keep asking and asking. But I find it quite retarded that I can't, I mean come on! How old fashioned can you get? And my trusty iPod is still a useless hunk of metal sitting on my desk. I have yet to get a new one.. and now I have to buy a new camera as well. Thanks Chelsea. Thanks a lot. Lol. But you know what I just can't get?? After being in a relationship, or so called relationship, how the fuck can things go back to normal? How? After a day especially. How can it honestly be "normal" a day after? You can't even call it a breakup I don't think. But still, I just find it awkward as hell. At least that's how I probably would feel while hanging out with the particular person. But I've babbled on enough about my so called life, for one day anyway. All I have left to say is that things are going to change. It's going to get better. I hope it is. I know it will. I hope it will. I just..would do anything for it to be all better. Anything. But anything can't fix anything. And that's all I have to say. Goodnight.